BACHELORELLA: Ben Higgins Is a Softboy

Something rare happened recently on The Bachelor: a contestant’s family called out the star of the franchise, Ben Higgins, for being a dick. Jojo’s two obnoxious brothers were the villains of the “hometowns” episode, accusing Ben of having her “brainwashed”—quite hypocritically, as it turns out. Jojo Bros #1 and #2 expressed doubt about his motives […]

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Bachelorella: We Need To Retire The Las Vegas Herpes Joke

I haven’t been writing Bachelorella recaps this season of The Bachelor because I am busy and tired and nothing interesting has happened. And then tonight The Bachelor put Ben H.’s harem of girlfriends on a jet (or, possibly, on a passive aggressive party bus) and dragged them to Las Vegas. And I cringed, because I knew what was […]

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Bachelorella: Why I Should Definitely Be On The Bachelor

So Kaitlyn did the very stupid thing and eliminated the only sane, respectable guy left on her season of The Bachelorette. Bye bye, beautiful Ben H., who made an impression on us all when he made an awkward sex education lesson somehow romantic. You were always a little too smart for Kaitlyn, lovely Ben, who found […]

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Bachelorella update: Bachelor Nation turns on itself, calls out its sexism

I went to bed angry last night, and apparently I wasn’t the only one judging by the mess that was my Twitter feed this morning. Bachelor Nation seems in agreement that the decision to pit Kaitlyn and Britt against each other in the first episode of the upcoming season of The Bachelorette is tacky, shitty, and […]

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Bachelorella Finale Recap: Why having two Bachelorettes is BULLSHIT

I’m going to try to recap the actual finale of The Bachelor before I descend into my rage spiral about the decision to have two Bachelorettes. Thankfully I wrote half of my recap during “After The Final Rose” before the big announcement, back when I had faith in society and was not shuddering with rage. […]

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Bachelorella Recap Week 9: Lady-on-lady crime

Last night was the penultimate episode of The Bachelor: the Women Tell All, also known as “let’s put the rejects in a room with Chris and a studio audience and see what happens.” Traditionally there is a lot of crying, demands of closure, and some awkward confrontations. Host Chris Harrison yucks it up with the ladies and nods sympathetically as […]

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Bachelorella Recap Week 8: Sex, love, and the issue of choice

This week was the fantasy suite episode of The Bachelor. It was pretty boring. This was the most boring episode we’ve had in a while. For the uninformed, here’s the deal with the fantasy suite: Chris and his lady have the option to stay in a hotel room ~without any cameras~ for an entire night. […]

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Bachelorella Recap Week 7: Deal breakers (Iowa vs. Playboy)

The Bachelor franchise graced us with five hours of television this week, thanks to back-to-back episodes on Sunday and Monday nights. This is far too much Bachelor for me to process. In a nutshell: Britt continued to be super fake, Carly ratted her out to Chris, and when provoked Britt self-destructed in an “I need […]

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Bachelorella Recap Week 6: What makes a woman perfect (for Chris)?

“Sorry I’m not from Pleasantville. I’m from fricken 2014. You and I both have our masters, and I have it from a good place… if you don’t think I’m intelligent enough to see through you, you’re friggen hilarious.” – Ashley I. It was the catfight heard around the world. This season’s dreaded two-on-one date (two […]

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