Bachelorella: Why I Should Definitely Be On The Bachelor

So Kaitlyn did the very stupid thing and eliminated the only sane, respectable guy left on her season of The Bachelorette. Bye bye, beautiful Ben H., who made an impression on us all when he made an awkward sex education lesson somehow romantic. You were always a little too smart for Kaitlyn, lovely Ben, who found herself drawn like a moth to the expensively-cologned flame that was Nick and Shawn’s jealous “feud” over her affections. We’ll see you soon, sweet dove. With you goes my remaining investment in this season of The Bachelorette.

Am I allowed to get excited about The Bachelor now? I don’t care, I make the rules here. Let’s take a look at the possible candidates for the next leading man:

• sweet, sweet Ben H.
• “Cupcake” Chris, who to be quite honest is probably bisexual and would be a great candidate for the first Bi-chelor.
• Jared, our prince of grace and adorable black eyes. I can help you learn how to drive stick shift, Jared. You don’t need Kaitlyn.
• maybe Ben Z. because he was really beautiful and had a good sob story. And his arms.

What sets these guys apart? They went quietly into that good night when Kaitlyn told them to pack their bags. They were respectful of her, open-hearted during the absurd reality TV process, and did not turn into petty, jealous douchebags like some of their competitors. They also, tellingly, have not gone around bragging about what a good Bachelor they would make (you can rot in pretentious hell, Ian).

I would also date any of these men, except maybe Chris because his extremely white dentist teeth freak me out.

This is all to say that I can’t wait for this sloppy season of The Bachelorette to be over, and I kind of want to audition for The Bachelor. Hear me out: the producers would totally cast me as the slutty villain (profession: sex writer), and promotions would milk the shit out of the “surprising secret” one of the women has to share with the Bachelor (“…so I’m Internet famous for having genital herpes”).

There would inevitably be some conservative virgin positioned as my foil, only I’d be like it’s chill gurl let’s have some champagne and talk about how ridiculous it is that they’re defining us by our sexuality, isn’t the virgin/whore dichotomy a wacky patriarchal invention?

And then, once the producers realized I wasn’t going to be a competitive, vindictive caricature, and I (gasp!) might have actual chemistry with the Bachelor, they’d scramble to rewrite my narrative as the strong, honest but scarred activist whose ex-boyfriend was cruel and abusive. Is her sense of humor hiding a broken heart? Will she learn to love again?! WILL HE ACCEPT HER FOR WHO SHE IS?! TUNE IN MONDAY NIGHT AT 8PM TO FIND OUT, ON THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR YET.

Guys, I’m really tired of this season. I’m so tired of it that I’m writing alternate universe fan fiction of my own life. If anyone needs me, I’ll be watching unREAL on Lifetime as I paint my nails and wait for the “Men Tell All” episode. (Side note: Can we fucking talk about how good unREAL is?!)

UPDATE: Turns out my friends also have really strong feelings about who the next Bachelor should be.

• “If Ben Z. is the next bachelor, we are auditioning together.”
• “Jared is too polarizing in the looks department. Sometimes he is hot and sometimes he looks like he’s going to murder everyone.”
• “Ben H. I would bang now and bang forever.”
• “Low key. LOW KEY. NICK. There, I said it. My choice is Nick. First of all, that dude is a handsome motherfucker. Second of all, he knows the game and knows it well. He fucking acts like the Bachelor and loves the Bachelor community.”
• “What if they did double Bachelor-style like this season and they put Nick and Shawn against each other?”
• “I am the future Mrs. Cupcake because I want to live in Nashville and have great teeth for the rest of my life… I think I’m really destined to be Mrs. Cupcake. He’s so emotional. I love that. Show me your feelings.”

Find me on Twitter for live-tweets etc. etc.

Ben handles the non-monogamy so well and so intelligently. Meanwhile, Nick and Shawn slap at each other like 5 year olds. #TheBachelorette

— Ella Dawson (@brosandprose) July 14, 2015