Bachelorella: We Need To Retire The Las Vegas Herpes Joke

I haven’t been writing Bachelorella recaps this season of The Bachelor because I am busy and tired and nothing interesting has happened. And then tonight The Bachelor put Ben H.’s harem of girlfriends on a jet (or, possibly, on a passive aggressive party bus) and dragged them to Las Vegas. And I cringed, because I knew what was coming: the herpes jokes.

The Las Vegas herpes joke is a classic. Its most famous iteration is from the iconic cerebral masterpiece The Hangover, cemented into my pre-teen brain as perhaps my first memory of herpes at all. It’s so well known that someone on Tumblr even made a GIF:

My only question going into the episode was: how long am I going to have to wait for someone on Twitter to take the obvious bait? The show itself is above such lowbrow humor (lol), and The Bachelor is an explicitly herpes-free zone (because rumor has it a blood test is a factor in the casting process). But I had much less faith in everyone watching the show on Twitter, and they did not disappoint.

It started with Sean Lowe, better known as my FAVORITE BACHELOR OF ALL TIME, who broke my heart with glee:

“Vegas… it really is a place where you can find herpes.” #TheBachelor

— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) January 26, 2016

And it, uh, it didn’t end with Sean.

Yes, Vegas is a place where people find love. If by “love” you mean “herpes.” #TheBachelor

— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) January 19, 2016

You don’t find love in Vegas, you find herpes #TheBachelor

— kayla manning (@km_102) January 26, 2016

As @MPTownes says, Vegas is where you go to find love. Or herpes. Or a gambling problem. #TheBachelor

— mare (@marelewell) January 26, 2016

“Vegas is where you find love” “Uh no that’s where you find herpes” 😂😂 @AllisonSchmidt7 #TheBachelor

— Whitney Middendorf (@Whit_Midd) January 19, 2016

Vegas is not where people find love. It’s where they find herpes #TheBachelor

— Monika K (@lazygrlproblems) January 26, 2016

Tears, blackouts, herpes. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/gIyTVi0iGB

— Crick Watson MD (@CrickWatsonMD) January 26, 2016

Guys, it’s just Vegas. You are as likely to catch herpes as you are to find love. Actually, more likely. #TheBachelor

— Becky Grassl (@bgrassl15) January 26, 2016

Ben talking about Vegas – “It’s a place where people find love” it’s also a place where people find herpes. #TheBachelor

— Brandy O’Neill (@NutmegNanny) January 26, 2016

“Vegas is a place where people do find love.” No, it’s where people find herpes. #TheBachelor

— Daniel Wright (@d_wright19) January 26, 2016

I should say again that I am not surprised. Herpes jokes related to The Bachelor aren’t exactly rare:

Ben getting consolation for Lace leaving is like someone getting consolation for finding out they don’t have herpes. #TheBachelor

— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) January 19, 2016

#TheBachelor, or, How Everyone Got Herpes

— chynnaemurphy (@kuliaikanuu) January 12, 2016

As an OB-GYN nurse, I have wonder if everyone is tested for Herpes I before all the kissing begins? #TheBachelor

— Stacy Vogel (@southernstacy) January 19, 2016

It’s safe to say everyone on this show has oral herpes. #TheBachelor

— Rachel (@koolkat1825) January 12, 2016

I’m watching #TheBachelor who keeps kissing girl after girl… and all I can think is how they’re all going to get herpes

— Jo Nichølêę (@jonicholee) January 12, 2016

I hope he’s got Listerene and is rinsing his mouth out between kisses. You want a rose? You get herpes instead. #TheBachelor

— Emily (@emilyrm) January 12, 2016

Oh lawd I hope they screen for herpes before starting this show… O.O #TheBachelor #OneIsApparentlyAllItTakes

— MacKenzie Stuart (@KenziesFrenzies) January 7, 2016

The show would be better if #TheBachelor Had to guess which one of the girls had Herpes

— Jaxon Wolfe (@jaxon_wolfe) January 5, 2016

the bachelor house is like disneyland if disneyland was a herpes infested cesspool. #TheBachelor

— the blowoff (@theblowoff) January 5, 2016

Lace the kind of girl who purposely gives you herpes so you can’t leave her #TheBachelor

— Adam Gooch (@agooch1207) January 5, 2016

I think you get the message.

Hey, Bachelor Nation. This is Ella, your friendly neighborhood Bachelor franchise live-tweeter and herpes stigma fighter, reminding you that herpes jokes are lazy, predictable, and mean spirited. 2 in 3 people in the world have HSV-1, the strain of herpes that typically causes oral herpes, but can also cause genital herpes. Joking about herpes dehumanizes the millions of us who live with it, and I don’t appreciate being your punchline so you can collect a few hearts on Twitter. Don’t make herpes jokes. You can do so much better. This show already gives us all the material we will ever need. I mean LOOK:

“How’s my hair look?” – JoJo 🚁 #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/f4gBSOBwhQ

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 26, 2016